Sing Our Song

“Sing Our Song”

            Turning 30 was an amazing year for me.  My life was a turning point.  I really enjoyed life.  I was surrounded by friends and happiness.  The only struggle I had was choosing between Jeff and Kalon.  I started to date Kalon, who was fun and refreshing.  Jeff, on the hand, was sensitive and sincere.  When I was with Jeff, I knew I was loved.  When I was with Kalon, I didn’t worry about the past.  I didn’t know who to choose. 

            Jeff and I started to go on dates again. He was different. He stopped working so hard. He had time to take me out and did things with me. I experienced a different man. Then, one night he was in my bedroom on his knees! He proposed to me! I was so in shock that I can't remember a word he said. I was crying hysterically. "Why? After I left him that he proposed? I didn't get it. It was not how it was supposed to be. Did he think that I was going to marry him?  He told me to keep the proposal as a coupon.   I can cash it in anytime.

            Well, I did.  I came to a realization that I couldn’t live without Jeff.  I knew that he was my best friend.  If I were to be with Kalon, I would never forget Jeff.  If I were with Jeff, I can get over Kalon.  I chose.  I chose to marry Jeff.  I had a dream that I would lose Jeff forever if I didn’t take action.  I broke our agreement not to talk and called him.  He answered.  I told him about my dream.  He asked me to meet him for lunch.  We went to Strawberry Farm.  I told him I was supposed to be in Las Vegas for Joey’s birthday, but she changed her mind, and so I didn’t go.  I had a flight ticket though.  We joked that I can use that ticket to get hitched.  Jeff said, “It is never too late.”

            I responded jokingly, “When are we going?”

            “Shut up, you know I would marry you.”

            “What is keeping you?”

We ate at Strawberry Farm and talked.  I finally said, “So, when are we going?”

            “Ahh, are you serious?”

            “I figured that if I were to commit to you, I might as well marry you.”

Jeff laughed and yelled, “Check!”

We paid and rushed to his car.  I asked, “Do we have time to stop by my house to get my makeup and an outfit?”

            “Of course!”

We drove to my house, gathered my stuff, drove to Jeff’s house, took his outfit, and drove to Las Vegas.  I called everyone I knew on our way there.  There were silence, screams, lectures, and everything in between for a normal human being to react.  Jeff and I cried, laughed, and sighed.  We were in shock ourselves.  Who would have known we will be going to Las Vegas to get married on Memorial Day?  That was the beginning of our journey.  And that was how our love song was sung.

           

In the Moment

In the moment,

Our love is perfect,

The wind sings our song,

While the trees dance to the music of our love,

So, if Heaven could stop the hands of time,

Life would capture the picture of perfection.

Written by Christine Kim Nguyen

February 10, 2006

***Stay tuned to see how my journey of personal growth and development began...



Love Will Set Us Free

Chapter 10

“Love Will Set Us Free”

            Jeff had this excessive compulsive personality where he worked so much that he forgets to eat, sleep, and everything around him, including me. I was a sensitive woman who needed his attention, and I never seemed to get it. I would wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. I soon grew discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, disconnected, and finally lonely. I felt undesirable and not wanted. I thought to myself, "Is this going to be my life--waiting for a man? What did I do to deserve this?"

I was becoming less and less of a woman. I became bitter and resentful. I was tired of sleeping alone, eating alone, and alone period. If this is how having relationship is going to look like, then, I rather be alone. I turned to my friends and my work. I felt comfort in their company. Pretty soon, I felt there was no need for me to stick around. I was lonely and unhappy. I packed my stuff and left without saying good-bye. I left him a note on his nightstand: "Let go and let God."  

            Leaving Jeff was the hardest thing I ever had to do. "How could I be so wrong? He was supposed to be my soul mate. I felt it in my cells that I was supposed to marry him." I moved in with my godparents. They are heaven sent. They are the most gracious, generous, and loving people I have ever met. Sally worked with me at the school I was a long-term substitute for. She offered me her home. It was like God heard me and sent two angels to rescue me from my self-inflected misery. It was heaven for me. It was a place for me to heal. I was a bird with a broken wing, and they took me in to heal. I became a better woman because of them.
            Moving there was such an awakening for me. My first awakening was when I accepted God into my life in the name of Jesus Christ in 2000. My second awakening was when I registered to go back to school for my teaching credential. My third was living with David and Sally.  It all started when I worked at Post Elementary as a long-term sub. I was hired to substitute for 3 months, then it became 6 months, then it became the whole year. During that time, I was told that the district was not hiring teachers. I didn't care. I wanted to teach, whether it be a substitute or contracted teacher, it was all teaching to me. I was so blessed to have an amazing classroom with these awesome teachers. I belonged there. Life was so complete for me.

Yet, I longed to be near Jeff.  He was always so busy. He would work non-stop, and forget to eat, sleep, and me. I felt so lonely. My life was all about him and my students. When I was home from work, I only wanted to be near him, but he was not available. When I called him on the phone, the conversations were short and abrupt. It almost felt like I didn't exist in his life while he was everything to me. I felt like a china doll displayed in a glass case. I was pretty to look at, but not to be touched or played with. I had restless nights where I would cry myself to sleep. He would tell me to wait for next month, next year, and then we would have a vacation. We will then spend time together. "What good would tomorrow bring if I don't have you here with me now?" I felt alone more and more.

            I started to stay at work later to avoid watching him work at home. I started to hang out with my friends. I realized I had no relationships. I had a relationship with a ghost. I ate alone and shared my experiences in my diary.  I went to bed alone, untouched, unwanted, and unloved.  I wanted to be alone than be alone in a relationship. When I brought up my sorrows, Jeff was angry.  He explained how he paid for all the expensive trips he took me on, the house he provided for me to live in, and on and on. I felt like I had a sugar daddy, not a companion. All I wanted him to do was to have dinner with me, share how our days went, sleep next to me, and hold me at night. But, I was told I was ungrateful, and that he couldn't make me happy.

            I left.  And then, Sally and David came in my life. They took me in when I needed a place to stay.  I moved in to Sally's place. It was heaven. I was loved, cared for, and nurtured. I was happy. I started to take care of myself physically and spiritually. I felt reborn. I knew myself more and more.

Life is as precious as a shooting star,

It comes and goes,

We don’t know where it came from or where it’s going,

But, at that instant moment, it glows,

We awe at its beauty for that moment,

So, why are we so distracted with yesterday’s troubles or tomorrow’s worries?

Why do we forget to tell our loved ones we love them?

Why do we wait for tomorrow to spend time with people we care about?

Why do we set aside what really matters to us for next week’s tasks?

Why do we sacrifice today for tomorrow’s happiness?

What will tomorrow bring if we are not here and now to live our lives?

It is because we tell ourselves,

“We have tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year,”

Why not now, today, that we celebrate the gift of life,

The life that is so precious,

So precious that it can be taken away from us like a flash of a shooting star.

I Finally Found You

I Finally Found You

               
            “What is a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent woman like you being so unhappy?” These are the words that still resonate with me every time I want to give up on life. He sat across the table from me at Mimi's Cafe and reached over and gently wiped away my tears as I let a few dropped from my eyes. I couldn't believe that this man pierced through my heart with his truth! How did he know? I didn't even know what happiness meant. Why am I so unhappy? I live with my boyfriend in our dream house, I have a high-paying job, and I have everything I ever wanted. So why do I feel so alone, defeated, and unloved? Was I with the wrong guy, living in a wrong home, doing the wrong thing? I was puzzled about my life. It felt fake, inauthentic. Is the man sitting across from me my soul mate? He can't be. He's too old for me, he was married, and he has children close to my age. Anyway, he's my network partner. I don't date within my network. Besides, I'm happy with my boyfriend. Am I?
            That was when it all happened--my extraordinary life.  Jeff made me realize there is more to life than a high-paying job, a house, and a man. My life can have meaning. I can be bigger than I know myself to be. I can be happy, experience it, and know it in my heart. Is there another life I am meant to have and I don't know it?

            I started off on my soul-searching journey. A journey that I have been on, and have not looked back. I learned more about myself. I learned to appreciate my body. I started to love the woman that God created. I started my new class for teaching. It was not until I broke up with my boyfriend Jason that I saw Jeff again. Several months have passed and I finally realized how much his words have affected me. It was then that our miraculous relationship began.
            It was love at first sight. We had so much chemistry that we were afraid to be too close because we were afraid something dramatic would happen. We kept our distance until our third date. I sat at the edge of his green sofa in his warm cozy living room. He sat at the opposite end. Finally, he reached over and caressed my left forearm. It brought shivers up my spines. It felt as though electricity shot through my body. He subtly withdrew as if he knew it was too much. We were hungry and decided to grab dinner at Tony Roma's. His son came along with us. They looked like brothers. I can't believe Jeff is his father. We stood in lobby of the restaurant waiting for our food. Jeff gently took me by the hand and had me stood close to him. He wrapped his arms around from the back. Time stood still for me. For the first time in my life, I felt safe, protected, and love. There was so much care and gentleness in his touch. It almost felt like every touch was painstakingly maneuvered by him.

            We went back to his place and had dinner. We watched television with his son. I laid my head gently on his lap as if I have been there before. It felt right. It felt like home. In that moment, I knew he was it. From the moment I met him, I had butterflies in my stomach every time he looked at me. His handsome face, bluish gray eyes, dirty colored blonde hiding the gray hair, and the laughter that he gives. I often wonder, "This can't be real. He's too perfect to be in my life. How can a man like him, who's charming, handsome, powerful, spiritual, intelligent, and kind, be with me? I don't deserve him. I'm not worthy. I'm nothing but a broken dirty trash. If he could see through me, he wouldn't want to stay." But, you know, he stayed. I must have done something extraordinary in a previous life to have a man like him. Oh, God, pinch me, and wake me up because this can't be true.
            Shortly after that, I spent the night and I never left, well, two years later that is.

God, Carry Me Home!

         Continued from Where Do I Go From Here:

        A year later, I broke down again.  I was now living in a beautiful home, making the money, and about to be engaged to a wonderful man.  Yet, I was so unhappy.  I felt as though my life was a sham.  It was not the life I wanted.  It was a lie.  I realized I have been living a scripted life.  A life that everyone wrote for me except for me.  I wanted a life that I wanted.  I wanted more to my career than just making money.  I wanted to be married to someone I get excited about.  I wanted a man who is in touch with God.  I wanted someone whom I can converse with more than just work or money.  I wanted more in life.

            I realized that my job was not what I was created to do. I quit my job and went back to get my teaching credential.  My boyfriend asked, " Why are you going back to school and accrue all these debt, and when you become a stay-at-home mom, I have to pay off all your debt.  What's the point?"

            I felt so hurt.  I thought to myself that I'm more than a housewife.  I'm a UCLA graduate, and this is all I have to offer--a housewife?  I started to wonder about my future with this man.  I asked how he picture our future, and the more I asked, the more I didn't want to be a part of it.  I felt trapped.  Nowhere to go.  I needed a plan--an exit strategy.  What do I do?

            I waited until it was the right moment--a sign.  It came.  My boyfriend became this Jackel and Hyde personna.  It was the moment that I knew I cannot tolent or forgive.  It gave me strength to leave.  I called my mom and asked to rent her room.  That was dramatic for me since I told myself I will never return to her, but I was renting from her so it was different.  I moved in to a small room that was probably smaller than my walk-in closet from the house I left behind.  I walked away from the house without asking my ex for money. I left everything behind including some of my plants, which are my babies, and I only took my clothes with me.  Maybe, I acted out of guilt, or maybe, I wanted it to be fair.  

            I went back to school to get my teaching credential.  One of my classmates said, "This is not a career for you; this is your calling. "It was well put.  I felt closer to my life's purpose. I knew that God wanted me to do this because everything felt right.  The universe had conspired to have my dream fulfilled.  I admit: my room was small, my temporary job paid a fraction of what I used to make, and yet for the first time, I was happy.  I was happy because I was living a life I designed.  It was MY life.  I was carried on God's shoulders.
             

Jakku (Japanese meaning: Stillfulness)

I will…

Live for today,

Plan for tomorrow,

And reflect on yesterday,

I will continue…

To be here and now,

To be me and no one else,

And to be free as if today is my last,

I promise…

To love and to be loved,

To act only with my soul,

To touch only with my heart,

So today, I will…

Laugh at life’s simplest pleasures,

Share all my hopes and dreams,

And live each moment as if life stands still.

By Christine Kim Nguyen

May 27, 2003



Introduction: Where do I go from?

As I sit here at age 35 looking out of my window from my scrapbooking office, I wonder what I am going to share with you all, my dear friends. I can hear the subtle whispering of the green trees, and the beauty of the day instilling my afternoon.   I realize that I could share with you how all this started.  This journey that I called "life."  Can I leave footprints behind?  How would you remember me if I were to pass on today?  So, let me attempt to share with you my journey...
It was 2000.  I sit alone in my apartment in Costa Mesa wondering what it means to be happy.  Can a girl like me know what happiness is?  What is my purpose?  Does my life have a meaning?  Am I stuck forever with this meaningless life? 
I sit and continue to feel sorry for my ridiculous thing I called life.  I graduated from UCLA with pre-law degree.  I didn't even go to law school.  Am I a disappointment to my family?  Maybe I am not that strong and intelligent girl like everyone thinks I am.  So many disappointments and regrets.  Where go I go from here?
And then, something came to me!  What if I just accept myself?  Oh, that would be a revolution!  Can I actually love the person that I am?  Well, maybe I can try that out.  I begin to take care of myself.  I would take bubble baths, rent my favorite movies, and watch them all by myself.  I would not wait for someone to ask me out.  I would just go out.  Oh, the confidence of being independent and self-sufficient.  Wow!  I am okay being alone.  I can actually enjoy my own company. 

All ALONE

All alone as I lie awake in the dark,

I reminisce what I have gained and lost,

So many achievements and failures,

Yet, I feel emptied and unfulfilled,

Incredible emotion of loneliness takes control of my mind,

And there I lie on my small bed showered with sorrow tears and self-pity,

Unanswered questions are asked in silence,

Why? Why? Why?

Desperately pondering how is it like to be loved and cared for,

Family, friends, and lovers are at a distance,

Big dreams seem so insurmountable and radiant stars seem so untouchable,

I close my eyes and wish that all this sadness would surpass,

If only, I can share my melancholy with someone who will understand,

But yet, I am all alone,

And the journey continues to be so long and cold,

Sharp pain penetrates through my heart and numbness spreads over my soul,

And so my heart becomes weak and my soul lifeless,

After a long cry, I comfort myself

It is a trial of my strength and an obstacle of my growth,

A process to learn to love myself first,

To be a true friend to myself

So then, I wipe away my tears and lie asleep in the dark,

All alone.