A year later, I broke down again. I was now living in a beautiful home, making the money, and about to be engaged to a wonderful man. Yet, I was so unhappy. I felt as though my life was a sham. It was not the life I wanted. It was a lie. I realized I have been living a scripted life. A life that everyone wrote for me except for me. I wanted a life that I wanted. I wanted more to my career than just making money. I wanted to be married to someone I get excited about. I wanted a man who is in touch with God. I wanted someone whom I can converse with more than just work or money. I wanted more in life.
I realized that my job was not what I was created to do. I quit my job and went back to get my teaching credential. My boyfriend asked, " Why are you going back to school and accrue all these debt, and when you become a stay-at-home mom, I have to pay off all your debt. What's the point?"
I felt so hurt. I thought to myself that I'm more than a housewife. I'm a UCLA graduate, and this is all I have to offer--a housewife? I started to wonder about my future with this man. I asked how he picture our future, and the more I asked, the more I didn't want to be a part of it. I felt trapped. Nowhere to go. I needed a plan--an exit strategy. What do I do?
I waited until it was the right moment--a sign. It came. My boyfriend became this Jackel and Hyde personna. It was the moment that I knew I cannot tolent or forgive. It gave me strength to leave. I called my mom and asked to rent her room. That was dramatic for me since I told myself I will never return to her, but I was renting from her so it was different. I moved in to a small room that was probably smaller than my walk-in closet from the house I left behind. I walked away from the house without asking my ex for money. I left everything behind including some of my plants, which are my babies, and I only took my clothes with me. Maybe, I acted out of guilt, or maybe, I wanted it to be fair.
I went back to school to get my teaching credential. One of my classmates said, "This is not a career for you; this is your calling. "It was well put. I felt closer to my life's purpose. I knew that God wanted me to do this because everything felt right. The universe had conspired to have my dream fulfilled. I admit: my room was small, my temporary job paid a fraction of what I used to make, and yet for the first time, I was happy. I was happy because I was living a life I designed. It was MY life. I was carried on God's shoulders.
Jakku (Japanese meaning: Stillfulness)
I will…
Live for today,
Plan for tomorrow,
And reflect on yesterday,
I will continue…
To be here and now,
To be me and no one else,
And to be free as if today is my last,
I promise…
To love and to be loved,
To act only with my soul,
To touch only with my heart,
So today, I will…
Laugh at life’s simplest pleasures,
Share all my hopes and dreams,
And live each moment as if life stands still.
By Christine Kim Nguyen
May 27, 2003
love the new blog christine! =)
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