Love Will Set Us Free

Chapter 10

“Love Will Set Us Free”

            Jeff had this excessive compulsive personality where he worked so much that he forgets to eat, sleep, and everything around him, including me. I was a sensitive woman who needed his attention, and I never seemed to get it. I would wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. I soon grew discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, disconnected, and finally lonely. I felt undesirable and not wanted. I thought to myself, "Is this going to be my life--waiting for a man? What did I do to deserve this?"

I was becoming less and less of a woman. I became bitter and resentful. I was tired of sleeping alone, eating alone, and alone period. If this is how having relationship is going to look like, then, I rather be alone. I turned to my friends and my work. I felt comfort in their company. Pretty soon, I felt there was no need for me to stick around. I was lonely and unhappy. I packed my stuff and left without saying good-bye. I left him a note on his nightstand: "Let go and let God."  

            Leaving Jeff was the hardest thing I ever had to do. "How could I be so wrong? He was supposed to be my soul mate. I felt it in my cells that I was supposed to marry him." I moved in with my godparents. They are heaven sent. They are the most gracious, generous, and loving people I have ever met. Sally worked with me at the school I was a long-term substitute for. She offered me her home. It was like God heard me and sent two angels to rescue me from my self-inflected misery. It was heaven for me. It was a place for me to heal. I was a bird with a broken wing, and they took me in to heal. I became a better woman because of them.
            Moving there was such an awakening for me. My first awakening was when I accepted God into my life in the name of Jesus Christ in 2000. My second awakening was when I registered to go back to school for my teaching credential. My third was living with David and Sally.  It all started when I worked at Post Elementary as a long-term sub. I was hired to substitute for 3 months, then it became 6 months, then it became the whole year. During that time, I was told that the district was not hiring teachers. I didn't care. I wanted to teach, whether it be a substitute or contracted teacher, it was all teaching to me. I was so blessed to have an amazing classroom with these awesome teachers. I belonged there. Life was so complete for me.

Yet, I longed to be near Jeff.  He was always so busy. He would work non-stop, and forget to eat, sleep, and me. I felt so lonely. My life was all about him and my students. When I was home from work, I only wanted to be near him, but he was not available. When I called him on the phone, the conversations were short and abrupt. It almost felt like I didn't exist in his life while he was everything to me. I felt like a china doll displayed in a glass case. I was pretty to look at, but not to be touched or played with. I had restless nights where I would cry myself to sleep. He would tell me to wait for next month, next year, and then we would have a vacation. We will then spend time together. "What good would tomorrow bring if I don't have you here with me now?" I felt alone more and more.

            I started to stay at work later to avoid watching him work at home. I started to hang out with my friends. I realized I had no relationships. I had a relationship with a ghost. I ate alone and shared my experiences in my diary.  I went to bed alone, untouched, unwanted, and unloved.  I wanted to be alone than be alone in a relationship. When I brought up my sorrows, Jeff was angry.  He explained how he paid for all the expensive trips he took me on, the house he provided for me to live in, and on and on. I felt like I had a sugar daddy, not a companion. All I wanted him to do was to have dinner with me, share how our days went, sleep next to me, and hold me at night. But, I was told I was ungrateful, and that he couldn't make me happy.

            I left.  And then, Sally and David came in my life. They took me in when I needed a place to stay.  I moved in to Sally's place. It was heaven. I was loved, cared for, and nurtured. I was happy. I started to take care of myself physically and spiritually. I felt reborn. I knew myself more and more.

Life is as precious as a shooting star,

It comes and goes,

We don’t know where it came from or where it’s going,

But, at that instant moment, it glows,

We awe at its beauty for that moment,

So, why are we so distracted with yesterday’s troubles or tomorrow’s worries?

Why do we forget to tell our loved ones we love them?

Why do we wait for tomorrow to spend time with people we care about?

Why do we set aside what really matters to us for next week’s tasks?

Why do we sacrifice today for tomorrow’s happiness?

What will tomorrow bring if we are not here and now to live our lives?

It is because we tell ourselves,

“We have tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year,”

Why not now, today, that we celebrate the gift of life,

The life that is so precious,

So precious that it can be taken away from us like a flash of a shooting star.