God, Carry Me Home!

         Continued from Where Do I Go From Here:

        A year later, I broke down again.  I was now living in a beautiful home, making the money, and about to be engaged to a wonderful man.  Yet, I was so unhappy.  I felt as though my life was a sham.  It was not the life I wanted.  It was a lie.  I realized I have been living a scripted life.  A life that everyone wrote for me except for me.  I wanted a life that I wanted.  I wanted more to my career than just making money.  I wanted to be married to someone I get excited about.  I wanted a man who is in touch with God.  I wanted someone whom I can converse with more than just work or money.  I wanted more in life.

            I realized that my job was not what I was created to do. I quit my job and went back to get my teaching credential.  My boyfriend asked, " Why are you going back to school and accrue all these debt, and when you become a stay-at-home mom, I have to pay off all your debt.  What's the point?"

            I felt so hurt.  I thought to myself that I'm more than a housewife.  I'm a UCLA graduate, and this is all I have to offer--a housewife?  I started to wonder about my future with this man.  I asked how he picture our future, and the more I asked, the more I didn't want to be a part of it.  I felt trapped.  Nowhere to go.  I needed a plan--an exit strategy.  What do I do?

            I waited until it was the right moment--a sign.  It came.  My boyfriend became this Jackel and Hyde personna.  It was the moment that I knew I cannot tolent or forgive.  It gave me strength to leave.  I called my mom and asked to rent her room.  That was dramatic for me since I told myself I will never return to her, but I was renting from her so it was different.  I moved in to a small room that was probably smaller than my walk-in closet from the house I left behind.  I walked away from the house without asking my ex for money. I left everything behind including some of my plants, which are my babies, and I only took my clothes with me.  Maybe, I acted out of guilt, or maybe, I wanted it to be fair.  

            I went back to school to get my teaching credential.  One of my classmates said, "This is not a career for you; this is your calling. "It was well put.  I felt closer to my life's purpose. I knew that God wanted me to do this because everything felt right.  The universe had conspired to have my dream fulfilled.  I admit: my room was small, my temporary job paid a fraction of what I used to make, and yet for the first time, I was happy.  I was happy because I was living a life I designed.  It was MY life.  I was carried on God's shoulders.
             

Jakku (Japanese meaning: Stillfulness)

I will…

Live for today,

Plan for tomorrow,

And reflect on yesterday,

I will continue…

To be here and now,

To be me and no one else,

And to be free as if today is my last,

I promise…

To love and to be loved,

To act only with my soul,

To touch only with my heart,

So today, I will…

Laugh at life’s simplest pleasures,

Share all my hopes and dreams,

And live each moment as if life stands still.

By Christine Kim Nguyen

May 27, 2003



Introduction: Where do I go from?

As I sit here at age 35 looking out of my window from my scrapbooking office, I wonder what I am going to share with you all, my dear friends. I can hear the subtle whispering of the green trees, and the beauty of the day instilling my afternoon.   I realize that I could share with you how all this started.  This journey that I called "life."  Can I leave footprints behind?  How would you remember me if I were to pass on today?  So, let me attempt to share with you my journey...
It was 2000.  I sit alone in my apartment in Costa Mesa wondering what it means to be happy.  Can a girl like me know what happiness is?  What is my purpose?  Does my life have a meaning?  Am I stuck forever with this meaningless life? 
I sit and continue to feel sorry for my ridiculous thing I called life.  I graduated from UCLA with pre-law degree.  I didn't even go to law school.  Am I a disappointment to my family?  Maybe I am not that strong and intelligent girl like everyone thinks I am.  So many disappointments and regrets.  Where go I go from here?
And then, something came to me!  What if I just accept myself?  Oh, that would be a revolution!  Can I actually love the person that I am?  Well, maybe I can try that out.  I begin to take care of myself.  I would take bubble baths, rent my favorite movies, and watch them all by myself.  I would not wait for someone to ask me out.  I would just go out.  Oh, the confidence of being independent and self-sufficient.  Wow!  I am okay being alone.  I can actually enjoy my own company. 

All ALONE

All alone as I lie awake in the dark,

I reminisce what I have gained and lost,

So many achievements and failures,

Yet, I feel emptied and unfulfilled,

Incredible emotion of loneliness takes control of my mind,

And there I lie on my small bed showered with sorrow tears and self-pity,

Unanswered questions are asked in silence,

Why? Why? Why?

Desperately pondering how is it like to be loved and cared for,

Family, friends, and lovers are at a distance,

Big dreams seem so insurmountable and radiant stars seem so untouchable,

I close my eyes and wish that all this sadness would surpass,

If only, I can share my melancholy with someone who will understand,

But yet, I am all alone,

And the journey continues to be so long and cold,

Sharp pain penetrates through my heart and numbness spreads over my soul,

And so my heart becomes weak and my soul lifeless,

After a long cry, I comfort myself

It is a trial of my strength and an obstacle of my growth,

A process to learn to love myself first,

To be a true friend to myself

So then, I wipe away my tears and lie asleep in the dark,

All alone.